Today’s topic threw me for a serious loop. While I know that 75% of BDSM has nothing to do with sex, nearly every one of my experiences has had a sexual undertone, if not some full-on aspect. I had to take this one to my local community. Today’s post is the result of what I learned.

 

 

Service Instead of Sex

 

There are Dominants out there who consider themselves trainers or service Tops. In these situations, the goal is often mental or emotional rather than sexual, though I have seen occasions where they are. A trainer enjoys teaching the lifestyle, helping a new submissive to learn the basics and seeing them through the emotional landmines that can come from accepting that it’s okay to give up control regardless of what they were taught. Service Tops and bottoms are looking for an energy exchange or release of some kind. This can perhaps best be seen with sadists and masochists. The sadist gets a payoff from the masochist’s reaction to the pain they are delivering. The masochist gets a release from the pain received. For other service tops, it is about keeping their skills sharp.

There are things such as rope and flesh suspension that have nothing to do with sex. Riggers and rope bottoms are often more interested in the art or, for the bottom, the feeling of being hugged by their bonds. The same goes for flesh suspension. For many who enjoy such activities, it is about the endorphin rush, and still others partake of it to find a meditative state of being.

For myself, I call myself our family’s home executive. This means that I am in charge of not only the cooking and cleaning, but also making sure the bills are paid on time, that appointments are made and kept, and that important information is gotten to the proper person. In short, I may be the submissive, but I run the house and the family. Y’all, let me tell ya: there is nothing sexual in doing laundry or washing dishes for me, and if you know how to make paying bills sexy, please share that information. Still, I feel intrinsically submissive when I do these things. I love knowing that I am taking care of Daddy, Draggy when he is here, and our family. I love knowing that I make their lives easier and seeing their needs met.

There are people for whom this is their entire dynamic. This is what makes them feel ultimately satisfied as a Dom or a submissive. But there is still more out there.

 

 

All the D/s, None of the Intercourse

 

There are also whole dynamics and relationships that have nothing to do with sex.

The first one that comes to mind is Caregiver/ little. This dynamic is often not about sex at all. For the Caregiver, it is about the guidance, support, and well-being of their little. Littles can go so far into little space that sex becomes “icky” once again. This blogger’s littleness is more an active part of my everyday self and therefore fully okay with sexual situations, but I know that I am in the minority in this. On the flip side, I will occasionally play service “Mommy” for a friend of mine who is without a Caregiver and needs the release of going to little space. It’s not sexual; for me, it’s not even being Dominant. I just tap into the parenting side of myself and take care of her.

There are Doms or subs who identify as asexual. For these individuals, the exchange of power has no sexual component. There are dynamics that are completely platonic. These range from a pair who plays together at dungeons or events but are not involved in their private lives to total power exchanges between friends. I have even seen instances where the Dominant partner in these dynamics has control, or veto power, over the submissive’s sexual partners. It’s not about the sex; it’s about the control – giving it or receiving it.

Many Dommes have told me that their dynamics are rarely about the sex, but the control factor. The biggest example of which I can name is chastity submission. I know more than one submissive male who relishes his Domme controlling his genitalia. This seems sexual, but it’s really not. It’s really all about the control for a lot of them. There are also financial Dominants and submissives for who the power exchange becomes about money.

We also have those wonderful professional Dominants and submissives. Often they will not engage in sex because this can then be termed prostitution, and they can find themselves on the wrong side of the law. Instead, they provide much of what I have listed above.

 

 

At the end of the Day

 

Sex is just one small part of this lifestyle. Sure, all the things I mentioned above can be and are sexual for some people, but not for everyone. I myself have many friendships with other kinksters that have a thread of power exchange to them. It’s not sexual, but it is a power exchange. Even my editor will swat my proverbial hand if I am being especially critical of my writing or if I neglect my health and wellbeing for a piece of writing. I jokingly call him the “Writing Dom.”

If you are one of those people for whom sex is not what you want in your dynamic, that is okay. Don’t let anyone tell you any differently. It makes you no less Dominant or submissive to not be interested in sexual aspects with your power exchange. There’s a place for you among our ranks, no sex necessary!

As always, remember: This is your life; live it your way!

 

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