This week I had a bit of a tough time with the topic and how to approach it. Communication is something that we talk about almost every single post. It’s a big part of our relationships. A lot of that ground has been covered in my previous posts. How could I offer my readers something new in this arena that is useful?


I was dealing with some serious writer’s block on the topic.
Then, last night as I wrote my nightly journal entry, it came to me. I have not addressed communicating in long distance relationships when vanilla life interferes. Even in-person relationships have times when separation happens, whether that be work or family related, and communication still needs to be present.  It’s something that rarely gets addressed as I have seen it and can be the beginning of the end for some dynamics. So here are my thoughts.



Plan For It!

Usually, we are hit by the unexpected before we know that the vanilla world is going to sidetrack our kinky lives. It’s just the way it happens. For those of us in long-distance dynamics, that can spell a lot of heartache, distress, and despair. A partner just disappeared, and we have no way of knowing what has happened. Did they get bored? Are they hurt? Is there some family issue that they are dealing with?? This can be especially taxing on s-types and littles. We thrive on our daily interactions with our D-types.

So, plan for it! Make communicating during a crisis or absence a part of your negotiations. Talk about the minimum abilities each will have if something comes up. Consider, even if your relationship is not widely known, having a friend that can simply post to your social media should something keep you from your regularly scheduled activities. There are a myriad of ways to handle this, but negotiations are not all about limits and boundaries. Just as there needs to be an exit plan, there needs to be a bit of “what if” involved as well.



Some Possible Solutions

I have been the victim of ghosting quite a bit over the years. Even with Draggy, there have been some major events that occurred to take him away from our routine communications. I do my best to avoid that horrible, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that is fear. Fear of being abandoned, fear for my partner, fear that I will never know. So, in both of my long-distance dynamics, we have fail-safes in place.

Draggy and I have been through so much in the time that we have known each other. Him more than me, I think. We both have some major abandonment issues. So when we got together this time we had a good long talk about “what if.”
We talk via Discord all day, pretty much every day. So if something were to happen, I would most likely know. He would tell me. But just in case, he made sure that his mother had my number and knew who I was to him and that I needed to be informed should he be unable to tell me something has happened. He lives in the next state, so it is definitive that if something happens, Danny and I are crawling in the car and driving straight through so that we can be there for him. It’s just how we work.
The Professor and I… that is a little different. He had a previous relationship that broke down because of a lack of communication when his real-life responsibilities took him away from his computer. So when we began to consider the possibility of entering a Dynamic we both knew we needed to negotiate for those instances.
We decided that good morning and good night texts were non-negotiable even during the stressed times. It doesn’t take more than a few seconds when you wake up or go to bed to send a text. As long as you have cell service. I feel like this is a small thing to ask and it goes so far in letting your partner know that you have not forgotten them.
We also agreed that the goal of one email a day from both of us was reasonable. It doesn’t have to be long and involved. It just had to happen. We would each need that moment of connection to steady us, no matter what vanilla life monster was attacking.
We made these things a part of our talks because we knew someday we would need them.



Enacting the What if Clause

Here is the thing: Even when you have those fail-safes in place. When the sky falls, you still have to work through so many things that get put in the question box. I am speaking from current experience on this one, folks.

Recently, the Professor was hit with some rather distressing family news, and it threw all our lives into upheaval. Luckily, he had time to inform me of what was going on, and we got the chance to rehash our what-if agreements and tweak them. What if we hadn’t had that warning period, though? This is why we agreed to the one email a day.
My routine needed a serious overhaul with him out of touch 95% of the time. I needed to have those daily pieces of his Dominance in my life, and I needed to know they brought him pleasure. He needed to know that he still had that control over me, that he could still tease me and make me wet when he was not directing things at the moment. If we had not had the warning, we would have used the email to make those changes.
We have found a way that works for us in the guise of my submissive journal. I use my one email a day to make my journal entry. In it, I can recount to him how my day has gone, how my tasks went, what thoughts and feelings I had about them and express my concern and care for him before I head to bed. He responds in the morning and always makes sure to let me know that I am wanted and his and not forgotten.
Draggy helps to maintain a balance for me, reminding me that the Professor has done all that he has promised and more when I get frightened and down. Communication with Draggy is also a part of the what-if clause for us. He takes up the slack, ensuring that I am completing my tasks in the Professor’s stead. Talking me through my own emotional crises and just being there should either of us need him. I can break down with him and not heap that extra stress on the Professor. This allows me to be a safe place for the Professor to land, to provide a steadiness when his world is rocked. I just realized that.



At The End Of The Day…

Being in a long-distance dynamic is difficult when everything is going smoothly. Even more so when things get thrown out of whack. Communication is needed at all points; during a crisis, it may be the most vital point. That is going to look different for each and every dynamic. It will require different measures for different situations. It is definitely worth considering before it happens. 

Until next time, remember: This is your life; Live it your way!


Do you have a plan in place for separations and emergencies? Is there a person you can have let your online partner know if something should keep you from communicating yourself? Leave a comment below. We would love to hear your thoughts.

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