It’s another More Than Two’s Day here on Kinky in the Middle! Today’s question is: “Am I flexible in what I am looking for?” Well, dear reader, this is one of those seemingly simple questions that is actually quite complex. You either are or you’re not, right? But what exactly is flexibility in a relationship? More specifically, what does it mean in polyamory?
Flexibility to my mind means being able to change with the needs of your partners without getting bent out of shape about it. So maybe I am looking for someone who does X, Y, and Z; is free on weekends; has their own vehicle and living space. But the person I connect with is actually into A, B, and Z; is free only on weeknights; and has their own vehicle but has to work around roommates. Being flexible means not deciding on learning this information that this connection just won’t work for me. It means being open to something different than what I had planned.
Flexibility extends into the relationships as well. Maybe partner A needs a bit more time with me because of some crisis they are going through, but I have standing regular plans with partner B. This means that my partners and I have to be flexible enough to move our routines around and maybe give up a little of what we need for a short time in order to make sure that everyone is feeling supported and cared for.
Why Is Flexibility Important to Me?
As illustrated above, you never know really know who you are going to connect with or what they will have the ability to offer. You can make plans about what you hope for, but plans often go awry and whatever it is that draws us one to the other will inevitably throw a wrench into the works. Maybe I’ll find the exact thing I was looking for but there is literally zero connection between us. Am I going to force myself into a relationship that I know will eventually cause both of us and quite probably our other partners pain and heartache in the long run? Hell, no! I am going to be flexible enough to find a person that I connect with and work with them to make something beautiful, even if it isn’t exactly what I had in mind.
Flexibility is needed regardless of whether I am looking for a relationship or already in one. Something that many fail to realize, whether they are poly or mono, is that no matter who you are, life moves forward. We learn and grow and chase our dreams. This means that our wants, needs, availability, maybe even our entire situation, are going to change as life carries on. They have to. Otherwise, what’s the point in being on this rock? If I can’t go with the flow and find a way to make it work acceptably for all parties most of the time, then I may as well not get involved with anyone because I am going to be dealing with a lot of heartbreak and causing it.
Flexibility means not passing on or giving up a connection simply because it doesn’t fit into a neat little box with pretty labels. This is essential to me; I don’t like wondering what if and I don’t want to spend my life kicking myself for what I wanted and passed on.
Am I Looking? And What For?
This is a weird answer. It’s both yes and no. I am not looking for a romantic connection. I rarely am. I have a couple of crushes, of course, but I have never expected a crush to reciprocate my affections. It always seemed ludicrous to me. I am always open to romantic connections, though. I feel like I have plenty of love to give, and we can all use more love in our lives.
I am looking for a Dom to play with at events and the like, though, and this is where the flexibility comes in. I know that I need someone who can take things slowly with me at first, someone who can build me back up to where I once was. I can’t be flexible with that, because my self-care has to come first. But I am very flexible in what that connection can be. It may wind up being an events-only dynamic with a friend, or it may become more. Either way is fine with me. I want to have space for us both to follow whatever develops and see if it can be something good.
What Flexibility Doesn’t Mean to Me
I have heard people confuse flexibility with being a doormat. Flexibility is not allowing another person to ignore your wants needs and desires for their own. Flexibility does not mean me sitting here waiting on you to make time with me a priority. It’s just not.
I have every right, no matter how flexible I am, to say that I do not accept a lack of consideration.
That isn’t to say that if things change for my partners, we can’t have a discussion about rearranging how things work – we can. I feel like I must always reiterate that I am not a toy for the amusement of others. I have feelings, wants, and needs of my own. Being flexible doesn’t negate them, and it doesn’t mean that I can’t stand up for those things.
Being flexible also doesn’t mean ignoring my own warning signs when someone creeps me out. It doesn’t mean putting myself or my partners in danger’s way. Not gonna happen, folks.
At the End of the Day…
Flexibility is much like the serenity prayer: Accept the things you cannot change, change the things that you can, and know the difference. Life is an ever-evolving ecosystem for us all. We have to be willing to give a little in order to learn and grow. That doesn’t mean we give so much that we sacrifice our own health and happiness. I am so flexible in most ways that I might very well be Gumby, but I am an immovable mountain in some very important ways.
As always, remember: This is your life; live it your way!
Don’t forget to like and share this post! I’d love to hear your thoughts on and experience with flexibility in relationships. Leave a message in the comments below or contact me through email.