This week we are going to combine two questions again, one of which is a two-parter:
- Am I focusing on an idealized fantasy more than making organic connections with real people?
- What happens if I connect with someone in a way that differs from how I want my poly relationship to look?
- What message does that send to someone who doesn’t fit neatly into my dreams?
I have already answered these questions through previous More Than Two’s Day posts, but let’s humor the authors and take a crack at them again, shall we?
Mission or Cruise?
By now we all know that, when it comes to potential new partners, I prefer to make organic connections. That isn’t to say that I don’t have fantasies – who doesn’t? – or that to have those fantasies is a bad thing. It’s not. I definitely have fantasies where I imagine what I hope for. Everything from the ways in which I want to be held all the way up to a very steamy extension of a recent playdate.
However, focusing on those fantasies could be a problem. For instance, If I had decided to focus on finding a fantasy that I had built up in my head, then I might have missed out on that amazing playdate as well as the friendship that I now have blossoming with that Dom. He isn’t, upon first impressions, the type of partner I typically create for myself in my head. If I had approached the potential there as if it were a mission to find that fantasy, I would have missed all the things about him that meet every vital criteria I have for partners of any kind.
Because I choose to view my poly journey as a cruise, I am able to take in the whole view and explore everything that crosses my path in my own way and time.
I am a curious thing, and I love exploring the unknown. That applies to my romantic and sexual lives, as well. Get me curious enough, and I will have to find out about that person or thing. This is why, when I do fantasize about my poly future, I don’t try to fill slots. It’s not about looks, money, configurations, or anything like that. I just imagine a harmony and a flow of love and respect.
Sounds a bit hippy-ish, right? Well, my father was an old hippy, but maybe that notion isn’t so silly. The thing is that I don’t want to miss those uncharted islands on my way to wherever my journey leads.
Single-mindedly focusing on the fantasy could lead me to either feel chafed, constricted, and ultimately unhappy with any connection that doesn’t match the fantasy completely or to miss them altogether. For me, that would be a terrible waste. It is often the people that I never expected to find myself drawn to who teach me the most valuable lessons and help me to grow more fully into my best self.
Is That a Pirate Flag?
In this talk about focusing on fantasy or allowing for organic connections, we must also consider the view from the outside. What does that single-minded focus on a fantasy tell the person you unexpectedly connect with? Let me be honest here: the view isn’t pretty.
In that determination to have what we imagine, we often wind up trying to change things about our partner to fit that vision better. This is not the act of an ally, who welcomes what that partner brings to us. It is an act of piracy. We take what we want and send the rest to the depths.
Let’s face it: no one can live up to a fantasy perfectly, and why would you expect them to? That fantasy might be great, but it’s never going to compare to what the flesh and blood person, or people, in front of you can offer if you just set the image you are looking so hard for aside and see them for all that they are.
At the End of the Day…
Having dreams and fantasies of what you hope for isn’t a bad thing, but tunnel vision can be. Those uncharted islands you miss along the way to where you are going just might hold unprecedented treasure. That unexpected, organic connection might just be better than anything you ever thought of dreaming up. I know I don’t want to miss out on that!
As always, remember: This is your life; live it your way!