The phenomenon known as a 24/7 dynamic is a part of the BDSM lifestyle that many of us hope to one day achieve. We build fantasies around it and then go in search of it. This dynamic can be wonderful for those involved, but it’s not quite the fantasy most of us imagine it to be. The decision of whether or not to enter into this type of dynamic requires serious consideration. It isn’t something to be entered into lightly.
The way we see a 24/7 dynamic is the BDSM equivalent of marriage. You want to make sure you “marry” the right person for you. Someone you can see yourself growing old with. One you want by your side through thick and thin, and they want you by their side. You wouldn’t just marry the first person that said they wanted to be married, would you? It is the same with this kind of dynamic.
Want the One You’re With
I have seen it over and over again (and done it myself a time or two): A Dom and a sub are so anxious to be in a dynamic that they overlook glaring incompatibilities, thinking that they can change each other under the guise of training.
People rarely change who they are and nothing you can do will change them for good. Your partner might appear to change for a week or a month in an effort to please you, but eventually they are going to have to just be themselves. Trying to change your partner – or change yourself for a partner – will usually nurture insecurities and resentment around feelings of not being loved for who we really are.
Folks, let me give you some advice. If you want a 24/7 dynamic, be patient and thorough enough to be damn sure you want the person and not just the dynamic itself. Vet your partners, and take things slowly. If you don’t, it will end in heartache.
Part of the joy in being with anyone is in what that person brings to the relationship which is unique and truly theirs. Passing over those things in a hurry to get to the kinky fun is a mistake. Get to know your partner and what he or she likes and dislikes. Get to know their wants and dreams. Knowing the whole person, and wanting that person, makes for a much better dynamic.
Vanilla Has to Happen
A lot of what we fantasize about looks like a scene from an erotic novel or some porn movie, but that isn’t the reality. We still have to be who we are. Moms, dads, working professionals, husbands, wives, sons, daughters, and friends. We have to pay bills and clean the house. Change diapers and enjoy holidays with our families. Being 24/7 doesn’t negate any of that.
Vanilla does have to happen, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be vanilla with a splash of kink. There might be rules for the sub how to act around family, or maybe the Dominant partner takes care of the bills while the submissive cleans the house. Of course, you shouldn’t bring out the whips and rope at Christmas dinner, but you can still covertly interact in a D/s manner with a look, a word, or even something as subtle as a certain tone.
Ideally, a 24/7 dynamic should mirror the ending of the movie Secretary. There should be an ebb and flow to it. All of your D/s activities should meld together with your everyday lives to the point where from the outside looking in, you look like any other couple.
24/7 Doesn’t Equal Armchair D/s
Yes, some of us submissives thoroughly enjoy taking care of our partners and overseeing the home. But this is not an excuse for Dominants to sit in their proverbial chairs, doing nothing, and barking demands at us.
The best and longest-lasting dynamics are interactive and reciprocal. The Dominant actively takes an interest in what their partner is doing, thinking, and feeling on a daily basis. They show their appreciation for what the submissive does for them as much as the submissive shows their appreciation by eagerly and happily obeying and anticipating their Dominant.
Also, 24/7 doesn’t mean that the Dominant doesn’t have to be a grown person. Just because you have a sub doesn’t mean you don’t have to rinse your dishes or put your laundry in the hamper or mow the lawn or whatever else. I can almost guarantee remembering that will get you pretty far with your submissive. (oh lord yes! And your submissive will surely show their appreciation in a number of fun and interesting ways)
Let’s go back to the marriage idea for a moment. Any good marriage, and thus 24/7 dynamic, has give and take. Maybe the submissive is having a bad day, kids are being a pain, a bad day at work, or just plain ol’ being sick. It’s up to the Dom to step up and fill in as much as they are able to. Pamper your submissive a bit with a day off to recover or take some of the load off of them.
Turning it around, submissives should feel comfortable asking for help when they need it. It is okay to expect things from a Dominant. Especially if you have taken ill! D/s isn’t meant to be one-sided. It is a team effort. In a 24/7 dynamic that goes double. It’s just not going to work if there is not a balance of responsibility and effort.
At the End of the Day…
A 24/7 dynamic can be a beautiful thing if one recognizes what it should be and not just the fantasy of it. Don’t rush in, and be sure that you want to be with that person, not some idealized version of them. Once in the dynamic, be in the dynamic. It’s life, which means you have to be present and active in all those little things that make up life, no matter how vanilla.
As always, remember: This is your life; live it your way!